


In Regard to Oceanic Species That Can Take Your Breath Away

by ArbitrarySpaces



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, mermaid au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 08:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11710305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArbitrarySpaces/pseuds/ArbitrarySpaces
Summary: Lavi never expected to actually find a mermaid. Especially not one with such a dark past.





	In Regard to Oceanic Species That Can Take Your Breath Away

**Author's Note:**

> I smashed together a bunch of mermaid legends with some physics and marine biology.

The way the scent of seaweed flowing through the air mixed with the smell of paper from their notebooks, never failed to make Lavi feel like he was finally at home. His home wasn’t his tiny apartment he was barely in long enough to clean, it was here, on this boat, in the middle of the ocean.

“Lavi, open your fucking eyes so we can take these readings and get off this boat within the next century.”

Lavi took a deep breath of the air and opened his eyes as he exhaled a sigh. “Sure thing, Kanda,” he replied, smiling down at the glittering water as he lowered the hydrophone. He felt something pull on the cord. He turned his hand over and uncurled his fingers, watching as it was pulled on again. “Guys, there’s something down there.”

“Well, it’s the ocean, Lavi. It’s probably a fish,” Alma commented.

“And stop moving it before you screw up the data,” Kanda grumbled.

After staring at the cord for another moment, waiting for it to move again, and seeing nothing, Lavi let it go. It slipped further into the water until it stopped. The small computer recording the sound patterns held by Kanda’s steady hands.

As always, Lavi lost track of time looking at the surface of the ocean. It filled him with a sense of calm unrivaled by anything except the fragments of memories that remained of his family.

“We’re done, Lavi. Pull the hydrophone up.”

Lavi couldn’t tell if Kanda’s impatient tone was because he had already asked and Lavi hadn’t heard, or because he was pissed at Lavi in general. Either way, Lavi waited another moment before grabbing the cord. Before he could pull it up, he saw something move beneath the water. Something with the hands of a human, and the tail of a fish.

“Holy shit, mermaids are real.”

He heard Kanda inhale sharply through his nose. “Lavi, pull the fucking cord up right now before I decide I’m no longer morally against murder.”

“Yuu,” Alma chastised.

Lavi skated his hand across the smooth surface of the water as if he expected the hand to reach for his. When nothing happened, Lavi cleared his throat as he pulled the cord out of the water, feeling no resistance of any kind.

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just get back.”

But Lavi still wondered if maybe he was right.

* * *

That night, Lavi took the boat out on his own. He went to the same place and lowered the hydrophone into the water. His heart thudded in his chest as he watched the still water until it wasn’t still anymore.

The cord was tugged on hard and Lavi tugged back. He could feel the excitement bubbling as he pulled the hydrophone back up. White hair emerged from the water and a pair of the most beautiful eyes Lavi had ever seen stared at him.

Lavi smiled, releasing his grip on the cord of the hydrophone until he heard it touch the boat and he let go of the cord. “Hi.”

The mermaid rose up until Lavi could see his curious smile. Lavi found himself unable to pull air into his lungs, unable to look away, unable to process the sadness behind that smile though he knew it was there.

“Breathe,” the mermaid whispered, lips brushing against the surface of the water.

Air rushed into Lavi's lungs as if the mermaid had control over everything.

“Good. What’s your name?”

Lavi took a moment to gather enough air to answer the question. “Lavi.”

The mermaid hummed and Lavi wondered if he had ever heard something so casual sound so beautiful. “Lavi. That’s a nice name. I’m Allen. Now,” Lavi watched Allen’s hand as it reached up into the boat and stopped above the hydrophone it was dripping water onto, “could you tell me what this is?”

Lavi wasn’t sure why he felt his hand moving towards Allen’s. “It’s a device we use to measure sounds in the ocean.” His hand hovered above Allen’s, shaking as he decided whether or not to touch Allen.

“Oh, interesting. Why?”

“Research.” Lavi curled his hand into a fist, but he didn’t move it.

Allen’s hand reached up and wrapped around Lavi’s. It was as cold as ice, but as soft as skin should be, a combination that reminded Lavi of death.

“You’re so warm,” Allen breathed.

Lavi swallowed, hand tensing under Allen’s, unsure of if to pull away or not. But then Allen let go and Lavi’s eyes followed his hand as it retreated back into the water.

“I’m so sorry, Lavi. I,” Allen inhaled, “forgot that humans are warm.”

Lavi felt his heart drop at the way Allen said that. He looked up, expecting Allen to be crying, but all he saw was a bright smile that left his heart aching more.

“Well, I’ll go. I’m sure you have a life to live.” Allen started sinking back into the water, but Lavi scrambled to reach over and stop him. He grabbed the top of Allen’s hair, and, despite that it was wet and cold, it was softer than any hair Lavi had ever felt. Allen popped out of the water and laughed. It was breathy, but every hint of Allen’s voice made it easier and harder to breathe all at once. “Need something?”

“You.” Lavi let Allen’s hair fall through his fingers, suddenly aware he was still holding it. “Or rather, I want to keep talking to you.”

“From my somewhat fuzzy memories about humans, you don’t do very well in cold, dark environments. But, though I’ve never tried it before, I think I’d be fine in a bathtub. At least for a little while.”

Lavi couldn’t help but mirror Allen’s smile, except his was lacking the residue of whatever tragedy Allen had suffered. “Okay. I certainly have a usable bathtub.” Lavi winced at how odd that sounded, but Allen was still smiling at him. Or maybe he just always did that so no one would notice how he really felt.

* * *

The scales of Allen’s purple-gray tail shined under the light of the bathroom as it emerged and descended into the water in a steady rhythm, splashing water against the side of the tub.

“Those people you were with,” Allen began, breaking the silence that had been stretching on since Lavi had placed Allen in the tub before sitting on the floor, “they’re in love, right?”

Lavi tore his eyes away from Allen’s tail and looked at his smiling face. “Yes. How’d you know?”

Allen looked down at his tail, the underlying sadness in his smile seeping onto the surface. “I was in love once.” As Allen looked at Lavi again, the sadness receded back to its hiding place and the brightness returned. “And I’ve spent a lot of time watching people who are in love.”

“Why?”

“It’s a secret.” Allen placed his pointer finger down the center of his open-mouthed smile.

There was that tone again. The tone Lavi expected people to use when they were trying not to cry. It made his heart hurt like he was the one trying not to cry and he didn’t understand why.

Allen dropped his hand back into the water with a small _splash_ sound. “See, that look is why I usually don’t talk to humans.”

For a few moments, Lavi was acutely aware that Allen was staring at him, watching him breathe and he was acutely aware of how difficult it was to breathe with Allen staring at him. Especially when Allen tilted his head like he was intrigued by something about Lavi.

“What have you heard about mermaids?”

Lavi cleared his throat and focused his eyes on the edge of the tub because he needed air and he wasn’t getting much of it when he was looking at Allen. “Not much. Mostly that they- you’re not real. But I know most of the legends-” Lavi shivered when he felt Allen’s cold fingers run through his hair. He let out a shuddering breath as he watched Allen’s hand retreat back beneath the surface of the water.

A loud dinging sound rang through the apartment. Both Lavi and Allen inhaled sharply.

“What was that?” Allen asked, voice a mixture of frightened and curious.

Lavi took in a steadying breath before answering as he stood up. “My computer. Probably just one of my students sending me an email.” He turned around and started walking away, avoiding looking at Allen.

“What’s a computer?” When Lavi turned around, he saw that Allen was resting his crossed arms on the edge of the tub, head tilted in that same adorable way, but it no longer felt like he was trying to pull Lavi apart like an already completed puzzle.

“I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I could just bring it to you.”

Allen smiled and nodded in quick little motions. “Yes please.” Lavi noticed only then that Allen’s teeth were perfect. Straight, shiny, white, but not too white. It made him feel slightly uncomfortable, but it also made him feel like he would drown in the ocean for a chance feel those teeth with his tongue. “Lavi, the computer,” Allen prompted.

Lavi turned back around, brushing the thought aside. “Right. Yeah. Be back in a sec.” He walked out of the bathroom and into the rest of his studio apartment. As he walked to his bed, Lavi could hear Allen’s tail splashing rapidly against the water. He picked up his computer from where it had been sitting against the pile of blankets on his bed.

When he got back to the bathroom, he held up the computer from where he stood in the doorway.

“I would bring it closer, but it’s not exactly waterproof.”

Allen hummed again. Lavi felt the computer slipping out of his hand. He heard it collide with the tile floor before he could reach for it. But Allen was smiling down at the computer and all thoughts about the computer dissolved into thoughts about how sweet that smile was, but how there was still an air of dissonance around it.

And then he looked up at Lavi, eyes filled with worry. Somehow, those worried filled eyes and Allen’s teething pulling at the inside of his lip, hurt less to look at than his sadness tainted smile.

“Is it broken?”

Lavi closed his eyes when they started to drift down towards the ground. He squinted them open, but then just let out a hard sigh as he opened them fully when he saw that his computer screen was dark and cracks were branching from the bottom left corner. “Yes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

This time, Lavi was certain that Allen would be crying; he sounded broken. When he looked, Allen’s mouth was parted like he should have been crying, but his eyes held no tears. Lavi walked closer to Allen, keeping his eyes on Allen’s, but no matter how close he got, Allen’s eyes still held their bright quality.

Lavi only stopped when his legs hit the cold porcelain of the tub. He pulled away when he realized how close his face was to Allen and how he had expected Allen to smell more like the bottom of the ocean, but he smelled like ink covered paper that had been sitting beneath the sunlight. It reminded him of memories he couldn’t quite grasp.

His head cleared when he was far enough away that all he smelled was the scent of seaweed that had been lingering in the apartment since Lavi had moved there, made stronger by Allen being in his bathtub, but still familiar.

“Are you okay?” Allen asked, hand reaching for Lavi.

Lavi sat down on the ground, closer to Allen’s tail than he had been before. “I think so.”

Allen’s arm dropped back into the water and he looked down at his now still tail. “I’m sorry, Lavi. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Waiting for Allen to cry and watching as it didn’t happen, was like watching the ocean dry up.

“You didn’t hurt me, Allen. I’m not sure what happened, but I don’t think it’s your fault.”

Lavi looked and watched as the bottom of Allen’s tail beat in slow, soft motions against the edge of the tub.

“It is my fault.” Before Lavi could do more than breathe out what was meant to be the beginning of a question, Allen continued. “You remind me of someone whose heart I broke.”

“Was that who you were in love with?” Lavi asked, having forgotten his original question.

“No.” Allen’s tail stopped. “She was the person I was supposed to be in love with.”

Lavi forced himself to look at Allen to confirm that he was smiling down at the water. But he wasn’t expecting to see the background sadness of that smile being fully embracing onto the surface.

“She was perfect. The kind of perfect that people wait their entire lives for, but never get. She was selfless and caring, which was why I couldn’t marry her when I loved someone else.”

The list of questions that had been slipping out of Lavi’s mind since the moment he had begun talking to Allen had a few new items added to it, but those could wait. They could wait because Allen’s tail was pulling up and splashing against the water like he needed to curl in on himself. Something Lavi doubted would have been an instinct if Allen had always had a tail.

“Allen, did you used to be human?”

Instead of an answer, Lavi heard Allen's breathing get harsher and he saw Allen's tail tensing as it continued lifting up in weaker motions than before. Over-exertion from pushing himself to do things he could no longer physically do.

Lavi wondered if Allen didn’t answer because he hadn’t heard him or because he had. The first thought left a heavy feeling in his chest. The second left a painful ache.

After a few more moments of waiting for Allen, waiting for the awful feelings to dissipate, Lavi climbed into the tub and got on top of Allen, straddling his cold body that felt even colder in contrast with the lukewarm water.

That finally got Allen to stop, muscles relaxing beneath Lavi. “What did you do that for?” he asked, pulling away from Lavi until he was pressed as hard as he could be against the tub, tensing again.

“I was worried about you, Allen.” He sat a bit further back, sitting on Allen’s tail, giving him the room he had been wanting. Allen’s body slackened and he leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes.

“You said you knew about mermaid legends, right? What do they say?”

Lavi’s hand trailed the outer edge of the tub, longing to smooth over the fear and distress Allen was holding in his expression. But he didn’t because he knew Allen didn’t want him to. Instead, he stopped his hand and gripped the tub, digging his fingertips and his dull fingernails into the smooth surface.

“Well, they usually say that mermaids are beautiful creatures that drown sailors.” Lavi smiled. “But I’m not a sailor and you can’t really drown me in this shallow of water.”

Allen’s eyes snapped open, carrying a distant sadness in them. Fear nor distress had disappeared from Allen’s face.

Lavi’s smile dropped. “Should I ask?”

He felt Allen’s cold, wet fingers dragging up through his hair again and this time, he leaned back into the touch even though it made it hard to breathe and it had goose bumps rising across the back of his neck. He leaned back into the touch because Allen’s fingers were so soft and delicate against his scalp.

Once again, he smelled that familiar yet foreign smell of books, ink, and sunlight as Allen tugged on his hair and pulled him closer. Allen stopped pulling and Lavi just breathed, letting his eyes slip closed. He tried to search the fragments flitting across his mind for that smell, but the longer he breathed it in, the harder it was to think and the dizzier he got, thoughts swirling into an unintelligible slurry.

He felt Allen pulling him back and he felt air pour into his lungs, only then realizing how hard he had been fighting for air. He waited for his mind to reorganize back into a calm flow of thoughts before he opened his eyes and looked at Allen. He looked so scared as he pulled his hand free of Lavi’s hair, leaving the now cold strands to feel out of place on Lavi’s warming skin.

“What is that?”

Allen’s hand brushed against Lavi and, though Lavi didn’t move, Allen’s entire body flinched. “How mermaids drown people.” Allen looked away, shame obvious in the way he was curling his upper body up and the way his tail was pushing up slightly against Lavi.

“Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you will.” After waiting a moment and receiving no response or demeanor change from Allen, Lavi stepped out of the tub, water from his clothes dripping onto the bathroom floor. “It’s gotten pretty late and I don’t know about mermaids, but I need to get some sleep. Do you want me to take you back or would you like to stay here for the night?”

Allen slid down into the water until he was submerged, tail and hair sticking out of the water.

“Okay, see you tomorrow, Allen.”

Lavi stepped over his broken computer without looking at it and turned off the lights on his way out of the bathroom.

* * *

It was still dark out when Lavi woke up, the only light filtering in through the curtain-covered window from the streetlamps outside. He stared at the entrance to the unlit bathroom and though about his interactions with Allen.

When he remembered that smell, he recalled flashes of sunlight that were too bright, blades of grass sliding along his fingertips, and warm clothing brushing against his skin. But it was all gone before he could think about it for long enough and it was too sparse for him to figure out when that was or what was happening.

“Lavi?” came the muffled call from the bathroom.

“Yeah?” Lavi asked, still trying to unlock something from those memories. Something he already knew was long gone.

A soft purple glow emanated for the bathroom. The light moved away from the doorway until Lavi could only see a portion of it.

“It’s four in the morning,” Allen said, light returning fully to the doorway, before it disappeared, darkening the bathroom once more.

Lavi stood up shivering as his feet touched the cold floor and the warmth of his blanket left his skin. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Something like that.” It sounded like Allen was smiling and Lavi knew it had that same sadness always floating right beneath the surface. But, knowing Allen was smiling was enough for Lavi to get his feet to move in the direction of the bathroom.

He stopped at the doorway and reached in to turn the light on. Allen squinted for a moment before opening his eyes completely. Lavi took another step forward, sliding his arm across the rough wall before dropping it back to his side.

“Stop,” Allen said, back pushing against the wall opposite of Lavi and tail splashing against the water in quick motions. The fear coming from Allen tugged at a place in Lavi’s heart he hadn’t known existed.

“Do you eat?” Lavi asked, trying to push away the thoughts of crackling flames eating away at paper that had ended up encasing his mind. He stepped back until he was in the doorway, thoughts of fire dissipating as if drenched by water.

Allen didn’t relax, but Lavi heard the beating of his tail against the water slow steadily until it stopped with one last gentle _splash_. “Not really. I can’t taste anything.”

“That’s called ageusia,” Lavi supplied, now thinking about the first time he had seen that word, in an elementary school lunchroom heavy with the stale scent of milk and cardboard, sitting next to Alma and Kanda. It was one of his earliest complete memories, not anything special, but memories rarely were. Lavi, however, deprived of his most important memories, clung to every one he had.

“Oh.” It was barely a sound, more of a faint sigh with a touch of control behind it. Allen’s eyes darted away from Lavi.

“Okay, well, I’ll go then.”

Allen’s eyes darted back up to Lavi, that same look like they were supposed to be shining with tears, instead they were dry yet still holding sadness and regret just as intense. “Don’t.” Allen grimaced as he sunk down into the water again, hitting his head on the tub on the way down. Lavi heard a half-cutoff groan before Allen’s mouth was below the water; his heart sunk at how pained it was, but he couldn’t help but think it sounded beautiful.

“I can stay, I don’t mind,” Lavi said, knowing it was meaningless, but wanting to get the words out anyway. He took a few tentative steps forward, and when Allen didn’t come out of the water, he walked over to the tub and kneeled in front of it.

Allen was staring at him through the clear water, unmoving. Had it not been for the unwavering fear in Allen’s eyes and the light that somehow remained in them, shining through all negative emotions, Lavi would have thought he was dead.

Lavi reached into the tub and rested his flattened hand on the tension-filled surface of the cold water.

Pain filtered into Allen’s expression as Lavi felt Allen’s hand pressed against his own. Allen’s fingers slipped between Lavi’s and his fingertips curled against Lavi’s knuckles. When Lavi reciprocated the gesture, it was like holding a cold liquid between his fingers, but the familiar feeling of holding someone’s hand was still there.

He reached his other hand out towards Allen’s face, but before he could touch him, Allen’s hand pulled away and he slid out of the water, pushing against the wall again and away from Lavi.

When Lavi looked down into the water, he saw that Allen’s fingers were curled against the bottom of the tub.

“You shouldn’t be near me.” Allen’s fingers curled until his hands were fists, knuckles silently scraping and slipping along the grainy shower mat.

“Does that mean I should take you back?” The words spilled out of Lavi’s mouth in a smooth stream, unable to be stopped despite not knowing if he wanted the answer.

“Yes, you should.”

Lavi’s heart pounded erratically.

“Don’t breathe for a sec.”

He watched as Allen’s fingers uncurled and then as Allen’s hands reached up to him and fisted themselves in his hair. Still so cold. Still so soft. Delicate against Lavi’s skin, put harsh as they pulled against his hair and forced him to look at Allen.

Allen pulled him closer until he was closing his eyes against the dizzying smell. Every time Lavi tried to pull in one of the fragmented memories flying around in his thoughts, it disappeared as if burned by a flame.

“Don’t breathe,” Allen whispered, breath cold against Lavi's skin.

Lavi inhaled sharply at the feeling, but then held the air in, even when he felt it pushing out of his throat. The memories faded and were replaced by the single thought of not breathing.

“Good,” Allen mumbled, lips brushing against Lavi’s, sending faint sparks across his skin.

If Lavi had any air left in his lungs, he would have begged Allen to kiss him. Instead, he ran his hand through Allen’s hair, strands slipping through his fingers like a cold ice cube melting against his skin, and pulled him closer so he could fit Allen’s mouth against his own.

Allen's movements were confident but clumsy. Like he had done this before, but it was so long ago that he didn't remember the finer steps. It reminded Lavi a lot of his first kiss, but so much better because he was acutely aware of Allen’s breath puffing against his cheek, of the way Allen’s fingertips were pushing hard into his scalp but still felt so fragile and graceful.

Lavi’s stomach muscles clenched as he was beginning to get dizzy, lungs begging for air, brain begging for oxygen. All points of contact he had with Allen slipped away in a single moment and then he felt himself being laid against the bathroom floor, warmer than Allen but unwelcoming.

“Breathe.”

Just like the first time Allen had said that to him, his lungs were filling with air before he realized they had already been emptied. He didn’t know how long he laid on his floor, gasping for air until he had enough energy to sit up and open his eyes.

He was smiling, heart fluttering, until he saw how frightened Allen looked, hands shaking as they hovered above the water.

“Are you okay?”

“I could have killed you. I almost killed you.”

Lavi smiled again. “If that’s death, sign me up.”

Allen’s mouth parted again like he was going to cry, should have been crying, and his jaw shook as faintly as his hands. Lavi could hear his tongue tapping against the roof of his mouth like he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. And then the bathroom filled with a sharp screech that had Lavi wincing. It was gone a moment later when Allen clamped a hand over his mouth, jaw still shaking.

They were in complete silence until Lavi took in a soft breath, watching Allen’s unwavering stillness. He sat there for a few moments, never taking his eyes off Allen and not moving, waiting for Allen to do something, because he was afraid of scaring Allen.

Allen’s hand slipped down his mouth. “I…” He closed his eyes and turned his head away from Lavi. “That is what death is like. Almost. It feels okay until suddenly it doesn't and you would do anything for just five more seconds with the person you love. But it's too late and you can feel yourself going numb, knowing your holding someone's hand, but unable to feel it, unable to push them back up so they can breathe. And then the only thing that hurts is your heart right as you die. But it’s afterward that makes you want to cry and scream even though you can’t cry and your screams either sound beautiful enough that other people drown themselves for you or they sound like screeches, which is how mermaids talk.”

Lavi could hear the starts and stutters of Allen’s breathing as much as he could see the erratic rise and fall of his chest. Allen was shaking. Shaking like he was crying, like he had needed to cry for such a long time that his body was trying to find a way to do it even though it was physically impossible.

He could hear Allen’s tail splashing harshly against the water again, and he wondered how long it had been since Allen had been able to curl up and cry. Whatever the answer, all possibilities made nausea roll through Lavi’s stomach.

Knowing this wasn’t going to stop, and knowing how to stop it, Lavi got into the tub again, sitting on Allen and pulling him into a hug. Allen’s nails scratched at his back through his shirt and Allen’s tail was pushing him up, but Lavi only held on tighter.

“It’s okay, Allen. It’s okay,” he soothed. He repeated it softly until Allen’s tail stopped pushing him and Allen’s clawing nails turned into him holding onto Lavi as tightly as Lavi was.

“It’s not okay, Lavi. I can kill you. I can kill anyone.”

In that moment, Lavi understood what Allen had meant about not being able to scream. Everything about his statement was so beautiful Lavi wanted to never let go of Allen, to never loose the ability to hear that sound. But it was so tragic that Lavi’s throat closed up and he felt hot tears stinging his eyes.

He was close enough to smell the sunshine dried ink, but not so close that he felt dizzy or that he couldn't think. Fragment after fragment passed until Lavi remembered something about his family; the last words his mother had ever said to him as everything around them was engulfed by flames.

“Humans can kill each other. Humans can manipulate each other. Humans can harm each other. But most of us don’t. Most of us try to be good people. Most of us try to help people. Most of us try to do what's right. Be the person who would walk through fire to save a stranger because they know that everyone is someone’s whole world.” Lavi wasn’t sure how much of that was speech and how much of it was broken sobbing. The words had fallen out of his mouth as he had remembered the gentle touch of his mother’s hand on his arm, how she had been smiling as she backed away even though there were tears falling from her eyes, how she had waved goodbye to him right before he ran like she had told him to.

Allen humming in his ear brought him back to the present. But only for a moment before he felt his eyes slipping closed and the world slipping away.

“Wait, A…”

* * *

For a moment, Lavi wondered if everything since the last time he had fallen asleep in a bathtub had been a dream. But then he remembered Allen holding him as he cried, recalling one of the memories he had been chasing since it had broken like his heart had that day.

“Are you awake?” Allen asked, tail pushing against Lavi’s back.

“Yeah.” Lavi opened his eyes, lids sticking with dried tears. Allen was smiling, as sad as ever, but none of his smiles before this one had looked forced. “Are you okay?”

The fake smile dissolved and was replaced by a frown that held the weight of years of guilt. “Why are you worried about me?”

Lavi smiled, a parallel of his youthful optimism, contrasted with Allen’s frown, a parallel to his cynicism. “Because you’re the kind of perfect I’ve waited my entire life for, thinking I would never find.” He sighed, slipping into a more serious demeanor when Allen kept staring at him. “And I made you talk about something that I don’t think you wanted to talk about.”

Allen closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the tub again. Lavi felt a feeling of dread creep up because of every other time Allen had done that.

“Mermaids are people who drowned themselves in the ocean. I couldn’t marry her and I don’t think Nea wanted me to,” a small smile twitched at Allen’s lips, “but maybe that was just the way he constantly glared at her.” The smile gave up on being a part of Allen. “So, we drowned ourselves in the ocean because it was 1830 and we couldn’t be together. No one tells you you’ll become a mermaid if you do that or that mermaids can’t love each other. I’m not even sure if we can love at all.”

Lavi’s stomach hurt as Allen spoke that last sentence, but then Allen opened his eyes. Lavi could see not only what beauty was there because it could help Allen drown people, but he saw the kind of beauty he hadn’t known existed. Not because it was perfect, but because it was imperfect, but still so amazing.

Maybe Allen would never love him and maybe he would never love Allen, not the way Nea had, not enough to drown himself in the ocean, but he had seen the sparks that could create love and some people never even got that.

“I don’t care, Allen, because this night has meant more to me than you could possibly realize.”

There it was, a smile that could break Lavi’s heart with how sad it was, but take his breath away with how beautiful it was. “I'm glad, but don't let it be the only thing that gives you this feeling. I have to go figure some things out. Talk to the person I used to love. Talk to his brother, who couldn't bear the pain of living without his brother. Talk to Tyki, who seems to have given up on not killing people, but is still fighting for something. But I'll come find you again one day, and while I'm gone, live your life like it could end tomorrow. Kiss people, feel warmth on your skin. Eat whatever foods have been invented since I died because I hope they’ve gotten better. Be sad, be happy. Maybe think about me, just not too much, because I’ll be thinking about you.” Allen bit the inside of his lip and looked away for a moment like he might have been embarrassed, but he was still smiling like he didn’t care. “And hold your breath again for a second.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
